Understanding Attachment Styles: How to Raise Emotionally Secure Children

 - By Dr. Sumita Giri | Life & Parenting Coach

Have you ever imagined why some children grow up to be confident and emotionally stable, while others struggle with anxiety, fear, or relationship problems?. The secret often lies in something most of the parents don’t even realize while parenting that is attachment styles.

What is Attachment?

Attachment is the emotional bond between a child and their caregiver (Parents). This bond begins to form in the very first years of life, especially between 0 to 7 years of age, and it can affect the child well into their teenage years and adulthood.

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth conducted a famous experiment in 1978 called the Strange Separation Experiment, which showed us how children react when separated from and reunited with their parents. Based on this, experts identified four main types of attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment

A child with secure attachment:

Trust that their parents are available and reliable.
Shows little distress when a parent leaves and joy when they return.
Feels safe exploring the world around them.

What it means: These children grow up with emotional confidence and healthy relationships.

In the 1970s, about 60–70% of children had secure attachment. But today, this number has sadly dropped to only 20–30%, due to changes in parenting styles, busy lifestyles, and digital distractions.

2. Anxious (Ambivalent) Attachment

A child with anxious attachment:

Becomes extremely upset when the parent leaves.
Is not easily comforted when the parent returns.
Craves attention but also shows anger or resistance.

Example: When guests visit your home, your child may act out to get your attention. They might ask for food or water just to feel seen and heard. Instead of scolding them, take 5 minutes to respond with love. This small action gives them security and belonging.

3. Avoidant Attachment

A child with avoidant attachment:

Ignores the parent or avoids contact after separation.
Appears independent but emotionally disconnected.
Feels more comfortable with strangers than parents.

Why this happens: When a child’s needs are repeatedly ignored or dismissed by the parents, then they stop depending on their parents for comfort or work. This detachment can lead to future relationship failures and difficulty trusting others.

4. Disorganised Attachment

This is the most complex type:

The child shows mixed behavior: sometimes clingy, sometimes avoidant.
They may seem confused, scared, or overly anxious.

Warning sign: These children are at a higher risk of developing mental health issues, including depression and even suicidal thoughts.

Disorganised attachment usually develops in homes where children face trauma, fear, or inconsistency in parenting.

Why Should Parents Know About Attachment Styles?

Because knowing your child’s attachment style helps you:

Connect with them better.
Empower them emotionally.
Support their mental growth and future relationships.

How Can You Build a Secure Attachment?

Here are simple daily actions you can take:

1. Prioritise Connection

Spend 5 to 15 minutes every night lying down with your child. No phone, no work. Just talk, cuddle, or read a story together. This small routine builds lifetime trust.

“If we can’t give 15 minutes to our children daily, we don’t deserve to be parents.”

2. Communicate With Respect

When your child demands attention (like during guest visits), respond calmly:

Say, “Let me help you for 5 minutes, then I’ll talk to our guests.”
This teaches patience and assures your child of their value.

3. Be Available and Responsive

Whether they are toddlers or teenagers, children need to feel:

Heard
Accepted
Appreciated

We call these the 3 A’s of parenting:

Approachability
Acceptability
Appreciation

Your Parenting Choices Create Their Future

You might think these are small things. But remember:

That eye contact when they talk to you.
That hug before they go to sleep.
That 10-minute story at bedtime.

These are the moments that build their emotional foundation.